She's not a girl who misses much

because because because
pecans taste positively oh so
superior
to peanuts...
i ca smell you coming
it smells like something
as familar
and unfamilar
as two things cna be
it's not yoru nutty salty
exterior its
your chewy, crumbly, inside
the shell self.
oh dark hair oh dark eyes
oh skin of skin of skin
of days in sun
of sweet laugh and movement
beneath the brows
i suspect chili isn't as electric or
tantalizing or moremoremore than
you are
moremore than any or
every
shell of things or nuts and bolts.

when you come around
electric fuzz shock
fresh
the
greenness of grass
around you
stirring the
blue blue sky blue
lightening strikes you
r
footsteps into
the ground
burn brain with you
r
form
i spend a lot of time alone
oh solo
hoping i may collide with
you,
your arc
interse
cti
ng mine
our courses set sail se
to
similar tunes
can we can we can
we
co
or
dinate some adventure?
sooner and than later.

Hmm. I haven't posted anything in a little while. Meh, I've been busy. But I have a list for you.

Things that suck:

-Hours being cut at work.
-Not seeing friends. I miss you.
-Waiting on student loans. (Cooommmeeee onnnnnnnn,commmmeeee onnnnn)
-Rainy weather that hinders Lucy and I's outside playing ability.
-Limited funds for shopping for clothes.
-Limited space on Ipod for new music
-Not attempting to lose weight even though i must.
-Prospect of having to soon wear a bathing suit in public.

Things that rock:

-Only having a little over a year of school left.
-Having Jeff Oaks as a professor.
-Being encouraged.
-Warmer weather
-Chalk
-Big balls.
-Ice cream season.
-Sandal season.
-Skinny jeans
-Riding a bus
-God of War 2 (I finished it)
-Reconnecting with old friends
-Ken's band
-All debts (except student loans) nearly paid off!!!!

Things that are daunting:

-Jeff Oaks told the class that for next week we are to bring a bunch of supplies : 2 Envelopes (1 of which is SASE), 4 stamps, 1 paperclip, 1 cover letter, 3 - 5 of our best poems. We are sending our work out to be published. He has made it a requirement. I was frightened, scared, concerned, and then he said

"I think this is the best class I have had. There isn't a single person in this class who I don't think could get published. I have faith in all of you and I think you all can do this."

Shit. Holy. Shit. Jeff Oaks thinks we, as a class of about 15 kids, maybe less, can get published. Gulp. Could I handle this? When I go to class, I hear everyone else's poems and I think, Fuck, they are a lot better than mine. Then I go to my one on one meeting with Jeff and he says "Brenna, this poem is done. I've never read a poem in this form that worked so well." And I think, dear god, oh dear god, maybe I do have something. And this, ladies and gents, this makes me reconsider library school and instead debate getting my MFA. But that means another 4+ years of school... could I hack that? Is it worth it? Then I think hey! I'll become a librarian and then work ony my MFA. This is daunting. Really daunting. I need encouragement.

-

So last night at work, I got to talking to a friend of mine briefly. I mentioned how the above quote (courtesy of John Lennon) is sort of my mantra. This led into the topic of how from 20 to the age of 23 I desperately wanted to be pregnant. I had misconceptions that it would be easy and that it would fill a void in me. After being dumped countless times, I assumed a child would be an easy fix. Something that would love me unconditionally and never leave. I met Ken and we got engaged and I decided I wanted to wait on the kid. Maybe try at around 25/26. I wanted to enjoy newley wed life. Well, life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans indeed. And that brings me here, at this point in my life with a little 16 month old toddler running around and driving me nutsoid.

And this made me want to talk about abortion. I'm still pro choice. Don't get me wrong. Through and through I am absolutely for a woman's right to choose. (hell, I have a pro abortion pro choice NOW sticker on my car.... right next to the baby on board sign.) Today I tried to fathom what my life would be like had I decided to abort Lucy. I wouldn't be with Ken, that I know. i don't think either of us could look at one another. I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with it, period. I offer serious kudos and serious amounts of respect for any woman (and man) who has had an abortion. You are strong, very strong. Stronger than me and I am not sure how you got through it, but you did and i offer you my full respect. That being said, I can't imagine a world without lucy. I may be envious of all you childless friends of mine, but it doesn't last long. I feel bad for you because you don't have lulu. :P She's funny. Really really funny. and i am lucky.

Each day she and I get on our cool scarves and our funky hats and we walk down the street to the bakery. I let her pick out the cookies she wants and I get a brownie. I let her carry the box with our pastries and she holds my hand. We walk back home and we stop and look at birds and squirrels and she points at things that she's not familar with and kind of coos with interest. the inncocence, curiousity, and bravery of little kids amazes me. We walk up the steps on the hill by our house and i let her push open our apartment door. She gives me the box and says 'cookie' and I cut the string and open the box and let her pick which cookie shee wants. I get us each a glass of milk and we drink them and eat our baked goods. Then I put her down for a nap. Thats what we do a lot during the week.

Sometimes we go to the park and I put my hands behind her feet when she's trying to walk up the slide. I chase her through the tubes and hold her on my lap if she's too scared to go down the twisty tube slide alone. ( i have to lay down because i'm too big). I push her on the merry go round and jump on with her. I push her in the swings and run around her in circles as she swings. Sometimes we kick the leaves that havent been raked up and she likes to pick up interesting looking sticks or acorns.

In the mornings when I am trying to lift weights and do sit ups, she climbs on my belly and bounces. Then she sticks her head between my bent knees and lays down on me and kicks her feet in my face. Even though i have workouts to do I stop and goof off with her because sadly i know there will swiftly come a time when she doesn't want to play with me like that. She lifts up my shirt to blow on my belly and pinches and grabs my lower stomach that's riddled with stretch marks. i don't feel fat or yucky when she does this. i just laugh and tell her thats where she was for a long long time. When I put her down for a nap, she rubs my ears and puts her fists in my cleavage. it's a calming thing for her. She likes the warmth and remembers, i think, getting milk from them and that makes her feel safe. She's really beautiful when she closes her eyes finally. I like to listen to her breathe because it's so sweet. She is perfect and if I were to be living right now without her I would never know such wonderful things. I would never know how amazing it is to see a child who cannot read let alone speak too well, sit with a book, flip the pages and speak baby talk. I wouldn't know the great feeling that comes from me sitting on the floor watching sesame street with her and she comes and crawls on my lap and puts her hands on my arm. That is more beautiful then anything I've seen and honestly, much more fun than any night at the bar. This is why I primarily get lonely when she is asleep. when shes asleep i'm bored out of my mind and long for company.

I can't get over her. I can't get over how better my life has become since she's come into it. I can't get over that I could have not had her. Look at her. Look at that little girl. Could anything, anywhere, at any time be any more perfect or wonderful or amazing or flawless or joyful??

so tonight i am a bummed brenna. this is not out of the ordinary, but things are becoming more and more apparent. the pressure is building and i am moving closer and closer to an eruption. if i don't wrestle these demons now, i'll end up succumbing and all will be lost. its a well known fact i am lonely and have no social life and no friends. but heres whats getting me down tonight. a person who i interpreted as a friend i think does not care about me. this sounds veiled and confusing, i know, but listen. i think i put too much weight or too much value or something on my friendship. i misjudged it for something more than it was. i felt very alone tonight and frustrated that this goes unnoticed by my friends. everyones too busy, i know, but this eats me: (and let me preface this by saying my mom had the same gripe too) i do a lot of nice stuff for a lot of people. i tend to pride myself on being a very nice, caring person. for instance, if a friend is sick or ill i will go out of my way to take care of them. make them soup, knit a blanket, buy them juice, give them tea, buy medicine etc etc. whY? because i am a friend to them and i care about them. i dont like seeing people i care about ill or feeling not so spunky. i try to be very nice to people, sometimes i fail, miserably i'm sure. but i try. and you know what? no one does the same for me. seriously. this makes me sound greedy, like i only do things to get things in return. but honestly its not like that. it's just...well.. i expect the people i care about to care about me in return and they just dont. they don't. if i were bawling in a corner they would walk right past me. its like i am invisible and the only thing im good for is free food, knitted blankets, baked goods, a couch to sleep on, free drinks, money, and car rides. oh and someone to be an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. this really hurts me and i feel naive, used, and overall stupid. really really stupid. stupid and naive because i put too much weight on my friendship with them. i took it for more than it was. this makes me feel 2 centimeters tall. i was so in need of good friends that i built it up in my head. i know no one reads this. i know that. i don't write here for people to read. i write hear because i have no one to talk to. and this is talking to myself which i do anyway. anyway.

somethings building. im going to get hurt. i can tell somethings coming that i can't stop. i stopped cutting myself when mom died. its hard not to turn back to that. its so hard. but im afraid ive replaced that habit with something else. something i really can't stop. eating. im fat and im going to get fatter. but i cant cope. i can't deal. im like a big fucking island floating out there in the fucking sea and i cant fucking take being alone. ken and lucy are one thing but who the fuck can i call at midnight when im feeling really down? yeah, there's no one.

im scared, brenna, i'm scared. if i don't get this dealt with i can't say whats going to happen because i dont know. i have to figure out why i cant have sex with my husband because it makes me cry. i have to figure out why i cant think about sex without feeling ill. i have to figure out why i cant love myself for what i am. i have to fix this, brenna, i have to. i have to i have to i have to. i have to. i cant do this anymore. i cant be this way. im really worried.

I had just kissed him for the first time that evening before.
I was driving with no hurry in my head, thinking of his lips.
I wasn't thinking about you.
I waws high, feeling the tops.
I drove around to the back of the hospital,
over gravel into lots seperated by neon twine.
I parked closest to the edge of the woods where the built up world gave way suddenly to a ravine.
they don't tell you how soon everything is to be done.
you think you have minutes, hours even, to sit and try to get it together,
but you don't.
you have nothing and suddenly she is nothing.
they told me to make arrangements.
to get the body out of te room
as if there was a line for the machines that had kept you alive for those sparce hours.
we didn't know.
your daughters.
we didn't know who, where to call.
the when had been handed to us by the cold voice of a nurse.
now.
the body needed to be taken care of immediately.
you had'nt been still ten minutes
but time goes slower, i suppose, when things stop.
I was oddly at peace.
i wasn't feeling anything.
this was what i felt:
tightness in my heart
abscene of a stomach
total lack of conciousness of my surroundings
and no clue, absolutely no idea of what to do next.
those days are a blur in my mind.,
a picture, perhaps, with the colors all smeared together, like someone had sloppily dragged their palms across it when it was still wet.
There were phone calls, far too many calls,
boxes, furniture, relatives, foos, bags, everything all at once.
In closing up your house, we had reduced you to boxes, bags, and cartons.
Only the parts of you deemed worth keeping.
why couldn't we linger?
take our time?
why did the world pressure us to hurry?
no one was waiting to take your place,to move in to your life.
it would just be a gap, a little blank space.
but i'd feel it, all the same, for most of my life.

I have the cutest and most adorable daughter on the planet, hell in the whole universe. This is true and everyone everywhere is more than a little well aware of it. Today she has on a green Rolling Stones shirt, brown pants and ballet flats. It doesn't get any cuter than that. On top of being so undeniably beautiful, she is also a funny and hilarious child. She is so ridiculous, most times I can hardly get over it. Today we built her a fort with a big blanket. She enjoys running underneath it and screaming as loudly as possible and then running out. If you get her really worked up, she starts acting like a crazy person by yelling and laughing and bouncing. I enjoy her and her company. She really is one of the best things I have ever done with my life and I am lucky, beyond lucky, to have lucy. I like to watch her sleep, eat, play, bathe, and torment the cats because it gives me great thrill to think of the miracle that is Lucy. It is amazing to think that two human beings can make a child. That she started out smaller than this font. That this devilish girl once could do nothing at all. She couldn't even breathe on her own. I marvel that she once fit inside my tummy and that I once got to carry her around with me all the time. I get to spend 6 days a week hanging out with a 15 month old all day and being ridiculous. What do you do with your days?

Have you ever had a night where you just feel really shut out? Just completely boxed off, unnoticed, stuck?

Tonight I am feeling sad. To be specific, it's more of a feeling of longing and missing people that are gone. My mother and my friend Adam. They both died a couple of years ago. I think adam killed himself a few months after my mom. He used to write me the sweetest emails, used to leave me the sweetest comments on myspace. he told me i was beautiful. he said things to me no one had ever said and at a time i desperately needed to hear it. "I wish that I could show you all the amazing attributes that you, and only you posses. You have much to offer. But so few that are willing to partake. Its the most beautiful of people who have trouble communicating. They could never comprehend you on the level your heart and soul crave. I can feel the hell you have been put through, and still are being put through. you are soothing to eyes that see so little people worth seeing." he said that. to me. I don't understand why he felt so alone that he had to take his own life. I don't know why he couldn't have said something or reached out. i reread that statement he said and i get quite sad. such an amazing person.

my mom has a livejournal. or did. i go there from time to time and read what she wrote. i cry every single time. every single day. no one knows how much i miss her. and i'm sitting her really needing someone to talk to and no ones around. :( god i miss her. so much. i listened to a lot of cat stevens tonight and i thought about her. over and over. mom, i just want you to know that i miss you so much and i miss hearing from you. i miss you visiting me in my dreams. why have you abandoned me? why'd you stop giving me little signs?

Here's a qoute from her livejournal. she wrote it about me.:(
"
and now for something completely different
I got in my car tonight to return to work and I find a card in my sun visor. It is from my daughter....a very sweet and touching note. I think I cried the entire 20 minute drive to work. I am sure her intention was not to make me weep, but I did. She feels I am not proud of her, if only she knew. I know I nag her about stupid things, but dying her beautiful hair jet black and piercing her nose....argh!!! She is so beautiful and I just hate to see her making herself look so much less so. I know this is the time to experiment...I know I did similar rebellious things...but I never had the beauty and the brains she has. I just want her to be..what I guess I never was. It is so hard not to live through your kids, not to want them to have all that you never had. I know in my heart that she has to do what she thinks is right, but ....I guess there is no but here. She has to do what she needs to do now and I just need to support her. I suppose we are all growing, even we parents."

Mom,i miss you so much. :(

So, yes. Yes. I figured I would just journal while the little demon I call my daughter is asleep. 99.9 % of the time, I feel very very left out from the my peers. For good cause, too. While they are out drinking, partying, shopping, and generally acting like kids, I'm working, and reading, and writing, and baking, and raising a kid. I guess that makes it pretty obvious that I don't fit in and while most times I don't let this get me down (because I do excellently at reminding myself that I have the best thing in the world - Lucille Janet) there are times, moments in every day I feel a lot like the odd man out. It goes like this. I am clearly and obviously tied down. I am married to a man who 75 percent of the time makes me happy as a jay bird but who also suffers from depression and therefore brings me down too. He takes very good care of Lucy and I and is what I look for in a fellow. (did i just say fellow? egads). For instance, Ken is hilarious. The number one way to attract me is to make me laugh. Ken is most excellent at that. Secondly, he is a goofball. I don't like overly serious artsy, "im so important and DEEP" kinda guys. I don't like too many people that take themselves really seriously. Wanna know why? THEY ARE BORING. Ken..well Ken will wear a dress anytime of day or night just to be funny. He dances... like a jackass... all the time with full on crotch thrusts and wiggles that kill me because they amuse me so. He will act like a 4 year old and never tires of wrestling or fighting. Seriously, I am most attracted to a man when we are wrestling and fighting on the floor. You know, pinching, punching, etc. I get a kick out of that. Im a sucker for romance and sweet words, but i can't resist a boy who pulls my hair and tells me i'm a poopy head. Regardless of this, I find myself missing the life that I could be having. I miss the swinging single life. It is at this point that I mention that i have nothing to miss because i have NEVER BEEN ASKED OUT ON A DATE. Boys don't like me. never have and never will. ken likes me. hes the only one. I mean, come on, I work in a coffee shop FULL of cute gorgeous girls. I'm like the hunchback in that place... I feel so awful. Secretly, I'd like to have a secret admirer. Just to feel, you know, desired. But, i digress, I just don't have a social life. no one wants to go see movies with me. Everyone just wants to get drunk. I like to drink. I enjoy going to bars. I like having a few beers or a couple of martinis or things at a restaurant and talk. i DON'T want to go to a club, get shitfaced and make an ass out of myself. I DONT want to go to parties and be puking all over the place. I do want to go to movies, go out to eat, shop, go to art galleries, museums, shows, etc with people. ANYONE. I know I work alot. I know I have a kid and a lot of you people don't want anything to do with a mom (but for all you fellas out there... hanging out with a baby gets you girls. seriously. everytime ken goes out solo with lucy girls hit on him NONSTOP. plus do you know that with a kid you can get into chuck e cheeses? the childrens museum? playgrounds? It's awesome!). I know I am poor. I know I have a hard schedule to work with. But please. Someone. Anyone...won't you hang out with me?

Pretty please? With a cherry on top? And whipped cream? And chocolate sprinkles? and hot fudge? and oreo cookies all crushed up and stuff?

I haven't written in here in, oh i don't know, close to two years!! i was a different someone then. This is obvious by my username. Punkrockbrat. I could vomit, literally, vomit when I see that up on the screen. What was i thinking? Could I have been any dorkier? Did I honestly, truly, really think I was cool with that kind of name. I can see myself now. "Oh yeah, sweet punk rock brat. that is SOOO funny and clever. AND punk. bet no one else can think of that one! ha! because i am punk rock! Yes! and a brat.. HA I am so witty." *SLAP* If only I could slap myself at that point. Meh, I was largely a kid. Just a kid. and now what am i? why, a woman. a lady. ohhh yeahhhh. regardless, i may start writing in here again, just for something else. God knows, I am the only one who reads this anyway.


on a personal note:

today i have a slight headache. the account is pending being overdrawn. lucy has climbed up the couch to feed me a grape and I think that is very cute. i've met some new nice people who amuse me. i think im going to conciously try to lose weight so i can get closer to being a little pretty. i hate bush and all the idiotic things he has to say when he addresses the country. i also hope santorum gets booted on his ass. bush should choke on a peanut.

none of what i do is for lack of loving you.
i do love you and probably always will...
see the thing is, no one burns me quite like you and
no one electrifies every sense like you.
you.
you.
but i gotta push on.
gotta pretned to heal.
pretending may lead to truth somewhere along the line.
i mean, you're out searching for something that works -
and i'm out trying to forget the only thing that did.
a paradox.
we're a pair of ox trying to out stubborn one another.
and i know i'll have no regrets,
but you will.
and its sad, it shouldn't work out like this...
i'll always hold out - hold on.
but not you.

where's the boys jonesing for too smart girls?
where are all the boys who fall all over themselves about writers?
girls more concerned with prose than ponytails...
girls who don't need you to come talk to them...
girls on fire with passion.

i want to walk these streets together,
devote my time to learning all about you.
learn at what point you slip over the edge,
the moment you know you've gone too far.
and i am recognizing these traits in you - these tendencies to fall.
because i tend to dissolve myself.
i want to fall into habits with you,
fall into patterns.
form memories that can't be shaken off.
i want to shape you, to build you,
to form myself around you between sheets.
i want to learn the moments you decide to walk away
how far until you hide.
i want to find that your side of the bed is better.
to come to a point where there is no division,
no distinction.

i remember when i first met you,
it was all so new... you
me this
habit of spending hours over coffee
learning one anothers history
laughing and finding common interests
the freshness the sparks
i wish i hadn't let you go
i hate to wonder if you really left me a choice
alone now and splitting time between coffee and alcohol
i miss all things about you
and im counting the days of seperation, looking for the cure
to you
seeking relief from this and
i imagine us in sepereate restaurants
sucking down cheap coffee cup by cup and
pouring ink over pulp.
proving we share a common bond
linked souls
im trying not to let my words foold you
the wound is fresh and i do miss you.
but ill gladly take my space with a grain of salt
on the rim of a glass

this is how you offer forgiveness:
-your fingers claiming me - an independent territory no longer
-your eyes, lips, teeth, tongue giving me all the proof i need that salvation lies just
below a waist band.
and you know you brought me to my knees with one word.
and you know you made me crumble like rome with one hand.
a complete fool to this nature.
a complete and desperate calling for you to
strip me of my convictions.
ruin my chances to love again.
it would be so easy.
too easy
to let you in and give in.
it would be far too simple
to get swept up in this.
but im far too old for smitten.
but i guess you give me no choice.
i already forgot my way home and the birds
ate all the bread crumbs.

regrets will stain your lips.
blood thirsty cowards always
wait around the corner to sink the knife in.
but you do the best twisting.
always counter clockwise with a smile.
i'll pretend the repetition of this isn't old
as long as you continue to cover the wound
with sweet lies.
healing only the surface
leaving the cuts infected below, deep into my blood stream.

i can't bail on this
but you can.
how can i not feel betrayed?
my back a canvas
for you to utilize.
i can't wait for this
but you can.
keep me hanging seraphin thin string.
my importance dwindling to you -
fading into fog.
flashbulb memories
quick - bright - gone in an instant.
staining eyelids so when you blink
you're always following it around,
trying to catch it.
make it still.

first introductions that speed past and
before we know it,
our lips are doing the introducing and
our hands and skin are on a first name basis.
you are my means to an end.
you are the way to forget his face.
i only want you there to ride me of his history.
this mattress is oversized for such little hopes,
but what isnt taken up we'll reserve for
turning towards walls and falling into patterns.
I want to taste you, i've determined.
to forget you will be easy.
this is all a lie and
tomorrow i won't even remember your face.
but i'll be forced to recall his.

can't fool myself any longer
than i can stay tied to this city where
things move at a cliched pace and
no one notices when you struggle. someday
ill plan an out an open
door that has to be there
somewhere a chance
for escape
i want i want smooth
escapes by half moon light daringly
slipping beneath the radar and fetting out out
out it might sound good to hear your
feet slap the pavement and know youll never
go back this way again
still something ties me to these cloudy skies and dark cities
something so
still i want a reason not to run thats more concrete
and tangible
than your breath

make me a million intricate pieces and scatter me all over your room
so i can be there when you lie her down on your twin size bed
and touch her touch her over and over again
so that i can be the one to watch you fuck it up
i want to be there as you slip between her poison thighs
i want i want.
its about me now.
you left and im still here
you come back and i swear im gone